Thorn Queen Chapter Twenty-Six

It was no secret my mother hated another(prenominal)worldly things. Her detectings werent that hard to understand, considering that shed been a prisoner there, serving as ram Kings forced mistress-not unlike my own experiences now. Just as she tried to ignore what Roland and I did for a living, she also tried to ignore the gentry rail stylus line in me, treating me as though I were fully human and often refusing to hear otherwise.Therefore, I was a bit surprised that she took everything better than Roland did when we got back to Tucson. I knew they had discussions when I wasnt roughly. He filled her in on what had happened in Yellow River, how Id been practicing john on the sly, and how I was now the reigning monarch of a fairyland kingdom. He t overage her ab step forward Leith too. If she was shocked by any of it, if she was repulsed by it and hated me for what Id becomewell, she never let on. She was justwell, my mother.She set me up in my old tooshieroom. It hadnt change d much over the years and even still had the resembling glow-in-the-dark stars Id stuck to the ceiling. When Id put them there in my youth, she had fretted that theyd never come off without ripping out part of the paint. So, I guess shed never bothered in all these years.Roland knew slightlyone who knew mostone who came and did a field surgery on my shoulder, removing the bullet and sacking past me with pain meds and antibiotics. That was or so all I saw of Roland in those initial days of recovery. It was my mom who binded with me the most, talking about anything that wasnt Otherworldly and making reli equal I had entertainment in the form of books and TV. I could pay little attention to those diversions, though, not when my brainiac was on so many other things. I would twisting the events of the previous weeks over and over in my head until I grew too weary to string any coherent thoughts together. When I reached that exhausted point, I would normally just let my mind go blank for a while. It was oddly soothing, particularly since I so often woke up from nightmares about Leith. An empty mind was sometimes welcome.And it was my mother I went to when my period came. Shed already bought a pregnancy test too, just for peace of mind. When it came out negative, I stared sobbing. My mom held me in bed and rocked me the whole time, saying, I manage, baby, I fill in. It was odd because I didnt even drive in why I was crying. The negative test was a good thing, and I was gladiola there were no loose ends with Leith. As she held me-the first time Id really let anyone smirch me since Arts house-I suddenly wondered how she had felt when she was pregnant with me. Had she been repulsed by the thought of the half-gentry baby bird forced on her? Had she valued to get rid of me but been unable to in the Otherworld? I shuddered, not scatty to ponder that too much. Thinking I was cold, she went and got me a sweater.It was a few days later that Roland and I fina lly talked. I was more(prenominal) mobile past and had come downstairs to make a bowl of cereal in the kitchen. He strolled in and joined me, sitting at the table with his coffee. His face seemed to scram more lines than the last time Id seen him. My fault, no doubt.Im sorry, I said when the silence grew too hard to bear. II should keep back told you.He looked up from his cup. Which part exactly?All of it. Everything. I I sighed. You were always so mad that I was spending time in the Otherworld at all. I thought youd be upset if you knew the rest.Oh, believe me, Im much more upset to hear it now than I would have been then.Im sorry, I said again, not knowing what else to say. It all just happened so fast. There was that fight with Aeson-I know, I know. Kiyo gave me the details of that, though he too was a bit surprised to find out you atomic number 50 conjure up hurricanes worthy of ram King now.I shook my head. Im a long way from that. And once I started learning the magicI j ust cant stop.no(prenominal) Roland sighed. Hes been by a couple of times.It took me a moment to realize he meant Kiyo, not Storm King. Im not ready to see him.I know. There was a pause, and I re mention it took a lot for Roland to say his next words. Hes not so bad. Relatively speaking.I gave him a sad half-smile. Yeah, hes great. And I meant itbut something was bothering me about Kiyo, something that unbroken nudging me in the back of my head. I continued to ignore it.So what happens now? Roland asked. What are you passing game to do?I stared in surprise. Wellwhat else would I do? The same thing Ive been doing.What, running back and forth amidst the worlds, act to act like you have some semblance of a normal life?The government note of his voice hurt me. What do you expect me to do? And its not like our lives have ever been normal.He shook his head. This is diametrical. You cant do this. You cant literally live in two worlds.I munched on my cereal for a moment to bequeath me a chance to believe. I dont really see that I have a choice. That land is bound to me. If I neglect it, it dies.Roland said nothing.Oh, come on You think I should do that? Abandon it and let all those people meet? Youre as bad as Art. The mystery of what had happened to Arts body and to Abigail waswell, a mystery. No one had told me exactly, save that it had been frittern care of.Rolands eyeball flashed with anger. No, Im nothing like him. Dont ever make that mistake. merely the gentry arent our people. They arent your people.They are now, I said, surprising myself.He stood up, his entire posture weary and defeated. I dont know what to think anymore. I dont know what to think of you. I dont even feel like I know you.In all these years together, hed never raised a hand to me. But in that moment, it was like hed slapped me. What does that mean? I asked. I meant to sound defiant. Instead, my words came out very small and very scared, much like a appeal childs. I remembered ho w grateful Id been to see him at Arts. My father. My protector. Do you notdo you not love me anymore?Hed started to walk away(p) but paused to look back. His saturnine eyeball took me in for several moments. Of course. I will always love you. Youre my daughter. ButIm not sure if things can ever be the same.Roland walked out of the kitchen, and thats when I realized it was time for me to leave.Tim nearly knocked me over when I got back to my own house. My mom had called him to tell him I was okay when Id first come to her place, but between my recovery week and the week at Arts with no contact, Tim had done a fair amount of freaking out.What happened? Are you okay? I dealt with Lara while you were gone. You would have been proud. I smiled, more pleased that hed called her by her first name instead of bitch secretary. Do you indirect request me to make you something?You sound like my mom, I teased. Always wanting to feed me.He shrugged. Youre too skinny. And I dont say that lightl y, considering the kinds of girls I go after.He was right both about me and his choice in women. Theyd fed me at Arts, but Id hardly eaten any of it. Id lost a lot of weight, and while part of me wanted to bulk back up by tapping the bag of milky Way candy bars in my pantry, I knew I should probably be delving into some serious nutrition for a change. So, I dispatched Tim to cook up some steak stir-fry, a request he was more than eager to accomodate.I spent the rest of the day restless and bored, unsure of what to do with myself. I did some laundry, despite Tims protests that he could do it, and scarfed down lots of his stir-fry. The animals were all there, which led me to believe Kiyo was still staying there too. After Id refused to see him at my parents, I half-expected him to have moved out.Honestly, I wasnt sure what to do now. I didnt plan on overtaking to the Otherworld anytime soon, and there was no way-as I told Lara later on the phone-that I could take any new jobs for a w hile. This do both Tim and her nervous about my accounting, but I knew my savings account was at least temporarily secure.My magic I left completely alone. I wasnt going near that, even though there were times the air and the water vapor around me would call to me like a sirens song, and Id burn to touch them. The one bit of magic I did use was shamanic I tried to summon Volusian. He didnt come. I wasnt sure what to think of that.I was almost grateful for nightfall so that I could go to bed and stop trying to figure out things to pass the time. I wondered if this apathy was just a natural consequence of the trauma Id been through, some kind of numbed state. TV, my puzzles, even Tims cheery chatternone of it could hold my attention. I wasnt bored, exactly. I just wasnt very engaged with the world.That night, just as I used to do, I dreamed of the Thorn Land. The dream was so vivid and real. It was like Id stepped extracurricular my own home to go walking in the foothills, like my s oul was traveling on without my body. The air was sharp and clean, filled with the fragrance of desert flowers. The sunshine was warm and merciless-yet comforting in its familiarity. And the colorsthe colors made my dream self want to weep. Peaches and greens and all the colors of the cacti flowers looking up at the clear blue, blue of the sky. For the first time since my capture and rape, I felt at peace. I felt whole and healed in the dream.I woke up with a longing in my chest, like there was a piece of me missing. The sharpness of it startled me-and scared me a little. Tossing on a robe, I made my way out to the kitchen, hoping coffee and breakfast would shake off that all-consuming desire to run to the Otherworld.Kiyo, I exclaimed. He sat at the table with coffee, both dogs at his feet. I had a weird deja vu from coffee with Roland yesterday and suspected there was a talk in store for me.Eugenie, he said, looking up from the paper. His eyes were warm and chocolate-brown, filled with so much love. He rose from his chair and approached me, arms open. I started to go into his embrace but something made me shrink back, some protective instinct of my bodys to keep itself safe. I knew he wasnt Leith. I knew Kiyo loved mebut there was just something within me that was afraid to touch anyone else. My mother was the only(prenominal) one Id allowed to hug me so far.Sadness and hurt flashed through Kiyos eyes at my rejection, but he seemed to understand. Awkwardly, he simply gave me a soft touch on the arm, which I allowed with only a slight flinch. We both sat down-after Id fetched coffee-and he drank me in with those intense eyes, like he hadnt seen me in years. Of course, these last two weeks or so had certainly felt like years to me, so perhaps that wasnt such a bad comparison.How are you? he asked. Ive missed you so much. Ive been so worried.Im okay. I was in good hands.Hows your shoulder?I gave it a slight shrug. Stiff. But mending. I could probably go over to the Otherworld and get someone to patch it right up.His face instantly darkened. I think you need to stay away from there for a while.Jesus Christ. not you too. Im that lands ruler. I have to go back. A flash of the dream came back to me. It was more than some subconscious musing, I knew. The Thorn Land and I were tied. We couldnt stay apart. I had know that being away from it would cause it to die, and now I was realizing that I efficacy die without it as well.There has to be a way. I was talking to Maiwenn, and shes going to look into it. Surely, somewhere in the pages of their history, someone gave up their kingdom without dying.Is that a good idea? I asked. Me giving it up?Of course, he said, shocked. Youve never wanted it. Youve said so a hundred times. Itd be better for everyone. The next person bound to the land probably wouldnt transform it into a desert. Youd be free, able to go on with your life here, free of the magic.I narrowed my eyes. Ill never be free of that eithe r.Yeah, he agreed, stiffness in his voice, but therell be less temptation outside of the Otherworld. Why the hell didnt you tell me you were learning all that stuff?I did tell you I told you about Dorian displace Ysabel.What I saw you do in therethat was nothing like what you said she taught you.It happened fastI didnt realize it half the time myself, and I didnt want to upset you.No one learns that fast, he muttered. I remembered Shayas words. Storm King did.Well, Im apparently not all-powerful. I lost hold of Volusian during that ordeal. He didnt come when I called.Oh. I thought you knew.Knew what?Hes bound to Dorian now.I stared for several seconds. Oh my God. I thought that might happenKiyo stared back. You did? Then why the hell did you send him to Dorian? Why not send him to warn me?For exactly that reason If Volusian broke from my control, I knew Dorian could probably bind him.I suppose. But I feel like youve just given Dorian a nuclear warhead.I didnt say it, but I had a fe eling Kiyo was more upset that it was Dorian Id contacted for help and not him.And thats how you found me, right? Volusian told Dorian, who then told you and Roland? Id heard it from Roland but wanted to hear it again.Kiyo nodded. Wed been looking for you as soon as you disappeared after the battle. none of us had a clue what had happened. We got Roland involved a few days later to help with a hunt in this world, but none of us He shook his head. None of us had any idea that thats what had happened to you.Awkward silence fell, each of us thinking about the things neither of us would give voice to. My imprisonment. My rape. I lowered my eyes, playing with the edge of the coffee cup. The memories were like a rollercoaster. Sometimes theyd sink way down low into the bottom of my mind. Other times, theyd flare up sharply, pushing to the forefront of my mind and unleashing all the dizzying, horrible feelings of fear, violation, and helplessness that ordeal had caused.I suddenly looked up sharply and met Kiyo square in the eyes. Why didnt you let me defeat Leith when I had the chance? With a shiver, I remembered the vengeance burning within me and the storm swirling around me.The question clearly caught Kiyo off-guard. What? You know why. Because of the political falloutbecause youre not the kind of person given to revenge.Arent I? I demanded. I was suddenly angry at him, and it occurred to me right then that Id been suppressing a lot of it this whole week. You have no right to talk about when revenge is right. You didnt go through what I did.I know, he said, trying to be gentle. I dont doubt he meritd a horrible punishment. I can only imagine how it was for you-No. There is no way you can imagine.Its more than just revenge, though. Do you know whats happened in the wake of this? Katrice is massing her armies, Eugenie. The monarchs havent had an all-out war in ages. This could get very bad. People are going to die. I wanted to save you from thatwanted to save you from being her target.Alright. Then why didnt you kill him?Dead silence.What? Kiyo exclaimed at last.I never lowered my gaze, knocked out(p) at the coldness in my voice. You said he deserved a horrible punishment.Yeah, imprisonment or-Imprisonment? Are you crazy? Hes a prince. We couldnt have kept him without the same political fallout. He would have walked.Going to war is worse, believe it or not.Then you still should have killed him, I repeated. Everyone keeps going on about how youre just a kitsune. You arent technically aligned with anyone. Maybe she would have put a hit out on you, but she wouldnt have gone to war against you alone.Kiyos eyes were wide. Are you listening to yourself? This is insane Youre condemning me for not killing a man that was on his knees.That man did horrible, awful things. He didnt deserve to walk away unpunished.Kiyos shock had given away to anger. I cant believe youre holding me responsible for this. And you know what? This is the magic talking. The more of it you use, the more it changes you. This is why you need to stay away from the Otherworld For your own protection. Before you turn into someone you dont want to be.Oh, now you want to protect me Look, you of all people should understand. I cant stay away from the Otherworld. I cant stay away from this world. I dont belong anywhere And yetI belong everywhere. Theres no good fit for me. Im split, Kiyo. I thought youd get that. You told me in the beginning that you did. Youre the same.Itits different somehow.Thats not good enough. Youre being a hypocrite, I exclaimed. You make decisions for both of us based on whats convenient at any given time. You think you can handle it one way but that I cant. Thats not fair. You cant make different rules for each of us.Im trying to protect you, he repeated.You dont think Im safe enough to handle the things you can?He held up his hands. I dont know. Maybe Im the one who isnt strong enough to make the tough decisions.Dorian is. It was out before I could stop it.Dead silence, round two, descended on us.Kiyo finished his coffee. I see. So thats what this is really about. He stared around, taking in the house and the cats sprawled everywhere. Maybe perchance its time I pack up my things.I crossed my arms. I think thats a good idea.It might take me a day or two to collect these guys, though.Thats fine. I kept perfect control in my voice, focusing all my energy on sounding flat. If I slipped up, I might start crying or begging him to stay. I might apologize for being so harsh and holding him responsible for not letting me kill Leith. It wasnt fair for me to blame Kiyo and laud Dorianand yet I did.Kiyo stood up, saying hed come back to do a thorough packing when I wasnt around since that might be easier on both of us. I agreed. Tension engulfed us as he moved toward the door. Id hurt him I knew it. And truthfully, I didnt fully know if I was making the worst mistake of my life here in breaking up with Kiyo. True, we had be en fighting a lot, with him not understanding the choices Id been having to make. The heart of it was, though, that I felt hed had the opportunity to protect meand hadnt.Eugenie, he said, hovering near the back door. I know you were hurt. I know you suffered-and still do. And I guess I can see why you think what Dorian did was noble. But its not. There are big consequences to this, and someday-probably soon-youre going to regret what he did.I shook my head, still obstinate. I dont know. Maybe.No matter what you think of me, its not too late. You can make amends with Katrice. You can stop this. There was a desperate, pleading look in his eyes, and I wondered if it was because of his desire for peace or the agony of leaving me. My own hurt over him leaving was steadily growing, but something in his words halted it. prevail amends? Whats that mean?I dont knowapologizeblame it on Dorian. Maiwenn might negotiate.My anger spun back up. I am not going to grovel to the woman whose son raped me. And Im not going to let Dorian get punished for something I should have done myself. Maiwenn didnt even deserve mentioning. Ill face the consequences, Kiyo. Im the Thorn Queen.He gave me a small, sad smile. Are you sure? Or are you the Storm Queen?I frowned. What?Thats what you told Leith. Back in the kitchen.No. So much of those memories were fragmented, but I was certain Id recall that. I told him I was the Thorn Queen a few times-but good God. Not Storm Queen.I heard you. Once you said Storm Queen.I shook my head, anger returning. You made a mistake. They sound alike. Easy to mishear.His smile twitched his sadness grew. Not with my hearing.Kiyo left after that-to where, I didnt know. It didnt matter. My heart was broken, and thinking about him too much was only going to make things worse. Instead, I knew I had to leave too. I had to get out of here-and I knew exactly where I had to go.I had to go to my kingdom.